Dr. Neder,

I apologize if this is not an area of advice you wish to tackle, but I thought I would come to you with my question.

My girlfriend and I have a great relationship going. We're completely in love and have a wonderful time with each other. When it comes to the conversation and emotional field of our union, we're right on and connect with each other just fine.

When it came to our sexual relationship, we both decided, due to religious morality and social conditions that we would not partake in the full act of sex, but that we would "please" each other. Being male, this task is nothing short of simple for her and she makes me incredibly happy. But for me, things are quite difficult.

Forgive me if I come off a little crude here, but I don't really know any other way of conveying this to you. She doesn't want me to go down on her because she finds it uncomfortable and strange. She likes it when I finger her, though, but I've never been able to bring her to orgasm. In fact, she's never had an orgasm.

I feel this is unfair to her and I wish I could give her the same feeling I get when she pleases me. Can you help me??

Sincerely,

Inexperienced


Hello "Inexperienced":

Actually, I'm happy to field this question! And, by the way, nothing you've said is "crude". I don't believe that ANYTHING about sex is crude! Further, we're all friends here, so feel free to say whatever you want, however you feel it is appropriate.

I'm so pleased that you and your girlfriend have such a great relationship. As you've found the "three C's" are the key: Communication, Commonality, and Connection. As long as you BOTH agree on the point about sex, it's fine too. Many couples have only one partner that feels that they don't want to have sex. The other is then forced to accept or lose out. As the saying goes, "The convoy moves at the speed of the slowest ship." If you've found a way to satisfy your needs without actual sex, and you're both happy about it - great.

One other preliminary point; be aware that your girlfriend can still get pregnant if you even place your penis against her vagina; even if you don't climax. This is because the penis emits a small amount of fluid during sexual arousal and this can contain hundreds of thousands of sperm cells - enough to get her pregnant; so be careful here too!

Finally, I'm very gratified that you want to satisfy your girlfriend. Many men are just "takers" and either don't know that they should, or can please their lovers. She is very lucky, and I hope she appreciates this.

Ok, let's look at your specific issues.

Many women don't "warm" to oral sex (cunnilingis) immediately. This is due to a number of issues such as thinking that they're "dirty down there", social and religious stigma, etc. Of course, none of this is true, and in fact, the vagina is one of the most sanitary parts of the body due to its natural cleansing cycles. You might want to discuss this with her, and even pick up any of the hundreds of good books on female sexuality.

An even bigger issue is that of her inability to climax. Again, due to religious, family and social pressures, inexperience, perceptions she may have about her body, or any number of a hundred other reasons, she may feel put off by sex, and probably has difficulty in letting herself go and feel good. As you may guess, this is an absolute prerequisite to good sexual function.

I've always found it very, very sad that religion and families do this to our women. Why don't we celebrate our sexuality? If you care to look at it this way, it IS given to us by God. Humans are the only animals that have sex purely for pleasure. This says something to me. Further, it's the most powerful aspect of our personalities. Somewhere back in history, religious leaders, tribal leaders, parents, etc., found that if they could get control of someone's sexuality, they could control that person. This is the state many people find themselves in today - controlled by and obsessed with their sexuality.

So, what do you do about all of this? First, your girlfriend (and perhaps you too!) needs to get over any stigma she may have about her sexuality. Again, it is a natural, healthy part of who we are - it is something to be celebrated, not ignored. It is a powerful aspect of us, and in many ways, defines who we are. To deny it is to ignore that part of ourselves.

Have you asked her about masturbation? Specifically, does she masturbate, and if so, can she bring herself to climax or even to feel "warm and relaxed" as many women describe it. She knows just what feels good to her. She can touch herself "just right" and show you what she enjoys. I'm assuming that you know your "female sexual anatomy" here. Here's a link that describes it, but be forwarded - it is graphic, and rather clinical!

http://www.halcyon.com/elf/altsex/vulva.html

Many women find that direct stimulation on her clitoris to far too much and may cause discomfort rather than pleasure. Thus, you want to ask your girlfriend just what feels good to her. This is one reason why many women find that oral sex is so satisfying. The tongue is much softer than your fingers are. Further, because it is very flexible and sensitive, it is much easier for your tongue to touch her "just right".

When you two are together, you might spend some time cuddling, kissing and enjoying each other. After a while of this, when she feels relaxed, sit behind her on the bed with her sitting against your body, between your legs and in your arms. Let her lay her head against your shoulder, close her eyes and touch herself. Take some time here - it isn't a sprint. Let her explore her body in an accepting, comforting and encouraging environment. Just let her touch herself in the ways that feels best to her.

While this is going on, you can encourage her. Tell her that you love her and you are so happy she feels good. This encouragement is very powerful and will help her to let go. You may find that after awhile her face and chest will flush red. This is a good sign that: 1) she is letting go and relaxing; and 2) that she is getting close to release. Don't try to force anything. Let her go as far as she likes. If she climaxes, that's great. If not, that's great too - you're bonding and being together. This is the real key in the beginning.

If she finds that her fingers aren't enough stimulation, you might want to buy her a vibrator. You can even make this a fun outing! Go to a store where they have these and look at the "toys" - just like when you were kids. Of course, these are "adult toys". Find something that is non-threatening. A huge black penis-like vibrator is NOT a good choice. Something small and pink might be better. Don't try to direct her choice - let her make it. Just continue to be supportive and caring. Vibrators are great for many women because they provide direct and constant stimulation in ways that her fingers cannot.

After you've practiced this for a while, you're going to find that she "learns" how to feel good. She can even show you exactly what she does so that you can do this for her too. Almost every woman finds that she has to learn how to please herself before she can have someone else do it for her. This is as much a mind-game as it is a physical one. There is a great book you might want to find called "For Yourself", by Lonnie Barbach. Here's a link to her website:

http://www.sfsi.org/books/barbach.html

One last point is appropriate here; nobody - not a doctor, not another woman, nobody, can actually tell if your girlfriend is a virgin or not! I live in Glendale, CA, where we have a large Armenian population. This ethnic group heavily promotes virginity before marriage. They even have "specialists" that examine women to determine if they are virgins before marriage. The problem here is that no matter what they say, they can't really tell!!! Go figure.